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One moment. Two Hearts. A Thousand Pieces…

25 Apr

Like shriveling petals of a drying flower, what once was, would no longer be...

Part III. 

I was relieved that Joni René was already in bed and sleeping.  I still went to her bedside.  I stared at her delicate face that lay atop her peach satin pillowcase.  She looked content.  I tiptoed away as I felt myself becoming distraught again.  I closed her door, and made my way to the master bedroom. 

I sat on the bed.  I jumped back up.  I couldn’t sit there.  It had been a sanctuary for my husband and me.   It was where we had shared a lot of things – thoughts, emotions- we had soothed each other’s pains, silly jokes, back-scratching, foreplays, and the ‘real deals’. 

I was so disappointed and angry at him, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.  I wanted to break everything in sight.  I wanted to cut – no, pull my hair out.  I wanted to take spray paint from the hallway closet and spray all over the walls. 

I saw a pair of his pants from the cleaners hanging on the doorknob of the closet door.  It was still covered with the clear plastic wrap.  I walked over to the closet, which was barely walk-in.  I looked in at his half.  I felt his testosterone exude right into my soul.  I collapsed to the floor into a sitting position with my legs sprawled out.

I let some of my pain out – I sobbed.  I couldn’t do it loudly because my baby was in the next room.The beautiful rose silk top I was wearing -for him- got stained with my mascara-laden tears.    Betrayal of this kind was debilitating.  I had a physical ache in my heart that radiated through my chest.  I had a similar ache on the right side of my head.

My sobbing was followed by a blank stare at nothing while my body sat catatonic.   Was this me going insane?

I stayed there until I heard the sound of a whooshing engine approaching the house.  It shut off.  He was home.  I tried to rise.  I had sat so stiffly, I had to slowly unhinge my joints to stand up.  Once I got to my feet I went over to the bedroom door and closed it.  I locked it.  I didn’t know what I would do next.  I was numb now…

Stay tuned for Part IV.

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Posted by on April 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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