I was relieved that Joni René was already in bed and sleeping. I still went to her bedside. I stared at her delicate face that lay atop her peach satin pillowcase. She looked content. I tiptoed away as I felt myself becoming distraught again. I closed her door, and made my way to the master bedroom.
I sat on the bed. I jumped back up. I couldn’t sit there. It had been a sanctuary for my husband and me. It was where we had shared a lot of things – thoughts, emotions- we had soothed each other’s pains, silly jokes, back-scratching, foreplays, and the ‘real deals’.
I was so disappointed and angry at him, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I wanted to break everything in sight. I wanted to cut – no, pull my hair out. I wanted to take spray paint from the hallway closet and spray all over the walls.
I saw a pair of his pants from the cleaners hanging on the doorknob of the closet door. It was still covered with the clear plastic wrap. I walked over to the closet, which was barely walk-in. I looked in at his half. I felt his testosterone exude right into my soul. I collapsed to the floor into a sitting position with my legs sprawled out.
I let some of my pain out – I sobbed. I couldn’t do it loudly because my baby was in the next room.The beautiful rose silk top I was wearing -for him- got stained with my mascara-laden tears. Betrayal of this kind was debilitating. I had a physical ache in my heart that radiated through my chest. I had a similar ache on the right side of my head.
My sobbing was followed by a blank stare at nothing while my body sat catatonic. Was this me going insane?
I stayed there until I heard the sound of a whooshing engine approaching the house. It shut off. He was home. I tried to rise. I had sat so stiffly, I had to slowly unhinge my joints to stand up. Once I got to my feet I went over to the bedroom door and closed it. I locked it. I didn’t know what I would do next. I was numb now…
Stay tuned for Part IV.