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One Moment. Two Hearts. A Thousand Pieces…

He got himself choked up. An emotion he didn't have a right to. Not until I was finished with him... and I hadn't even started yet...

Part IV.

There’s nothing my husband could say to get out of this.  I listened intently to the sounds of him entering the house.  He was moving slowly but randomly.  He was obviously thinking of what to say to me.  He had been caught red-handed. 

I remained hidden in our room.  I kept chanting to myself not to forgive him.  He betrayed me.  He made a fool of me.  Those nurses knew what was going on.  And I Iooked like a damned fool going up there playing the loving supportive wife.  I can never show my face there  again. 

He lingered downstairs awhile.  After about a half an hour, I heard him coming up the stairs.  I braced myself .  I stepped away from the door.  I heard our daughter’s door creek open.

“Joni?”  I heard him say.  It seemed he had thought we weren’t home.  It was then I remembered I had parked down the street.   I heard him mumble something to himself.  Then he walked over to our bedroom door. He tried the knob.  I held my breath.

“Honey?”  he called out softly.  I didn’t answer. I immediately devalued the ‘honey’.  

  “Can we- (a swallow, and a pause).”   He tried it again.  He got himself choked up.  An emotion he didn’t have a right to.   Not until I was finished with him.. and I hadn’t even started yet.  The second time he got out what he was trying to say.  “Can  we talk about this, honey?”

I guess I was supposed to me moved.  Talk?  Talking was not going to undo, straighten out, pacify, or make me feel any better. 

He tried the door knob and a knock.  I then heard him slide his body down to the floor against the door.  He started to talk anyway.  He said honey two more times with no response from me.

“I am ashamed…”  he started out…

Sigh. Yawn.  Yeah right,  He pulled the oldest phrase out of the book…

Stay tuned for Part V.

 
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Posted by on April 27, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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One moment. Two Hearts. A Thousand Pieces…

Like shriveling petals of a drying flower, what once was, would no longer be...

Part III. 

I was relieved that Joni René was already in bed and sleeping.  I still went to her bedside.  I stared at her delicate face that lay atop her peach satin pillowcase.  She looked content.  I tiptoed away as I felt myself becoming distraught again.  I closed her door, and made my way to the master bedroom. 

I sat on the bed.  I jumped back up.  I couldn’t sit there.  It had been a sanctuary for my husband and me.   It was where we had shared a lot of things – thoughts, emotions- we had soothed each other’s pains, silly jokes, back-scratching, foreplays, and the ‘real deals’. 

I was so disappointed and angry at him, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.  I wanted to break everything in sight.  I wanted to cut – no, pull my hair out.  I wanted to take spray paint from the hallway closet and spray all over the walls. 

I saw a pair of his pants from the cleaners hanging on the doorknob of the closet door.  It was still covered with the clear plastic wrap.  I walked over to the closet, which was barely walk-in.  I looked in at his half.  I felt his testosterone exude right into my soul.  I collapsed to the floor into a sitting position with my legs sprawled out.

I let some of my pain out – I sobbed.  I couldn’t do it loudly because my baby was in the next room.The beautiful rose silk top I was wearing -for him- got stained with my mascara-laden tears.    Betrayal of this kind was debilitating.  I had a physical ache in my heart that radiated through my chest.  I had a similar ache on the right side of my head.

My sobbing was followed by a blank stare at nothing while my body sat catatonic.   Was this me going insane?

I stayed there until I heard the sound of a whooshing engine approaching the house.  It shut off.  He was home.  I tried to rise.  I had sat so stiffly, I had to slowly unhinge my joints to stand up.  Once I got to my feet I went over to the bedroom door and closed it.  I locked it.  I didn’t know what I would do next.  I was numb now…

Stay tuned for Part IV.

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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One Moment. Two Hearts. A Thousand Pieces…

Part II.

I drove towards home in a daze.  I was in a vacuum.  Traffic noises seemed to be an echo  in the distance.  People walking on the sidewalks or crossing the streets were illusions, not innocent fellow human beings worthy of trust.  They would do unto others as they would not like to have done unto them. 

Home would now have a different meaning for me.  It would no longer be a place of reconvening of our bond to each other.  We spent most of our time together, except when we were working.  I had switched to home-based physical therapy.  The separation was vital to our stability.  Joni René’s happiness was a tangible representation of our bond and commitment.  Our family unit was a platform still vital to her well-being.

Thinking of her sent a crescendoing twinge from deep within my chest.  My tongue clamped against my palate to hold me back from bawling where I sat.  The blubbering saliva seeped from the corners of my mouth.  I clutched the steering wheel tightly. 

Oh, Joni René doesn’t deserve this…  None of us deserve this.  We were so immune.  We were doing everything the best way we knew how.

For a moment, I felt sorry for him.  It was as though my loving adorable mate had inevitably become weakened.  He had fallen victim to this highly contagious affliction of people.  My next thought straightened me up from wallowing in my despair.  For how long has he been doing this?   I scanned my memory for all of the tardy evenings he had had lately.  There weren’t many, but there were some for sure.

I had arrived home without realizing it.  I grabbed a tissue to wipe my eyes.  I stayed in my parked car to regain my composure.  I backed out and deliberately parked down the street.    The baby sitter and certainly Joni René should not see me like this.  I took a series of deep breaths as I walked down the sidewalk to the house.

Stay tuned for part III.

 
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Posted by on April 23, 2011 in Life Experience, Uncategorized

 

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